Contaminated
Contaminated!
By: Carol Huber
Peel back another layer of the onion
Yuck!
I thought I had dealt with this already
I feel as though I'm contaminated
Is this why I look for problems within others
If someone loves me
Do I feel as though there is something wrong with them?
I'm feelingly like that this morning
Dirty Little Girl!
Roars in my mind
From a far off forgotten past
Why?
Because he wouldn't accept
Responsibility for his actions
Scum!
How could he?
Probably the same way I'm accusing myself right now
Did he feel so contaminated
that he thought I was too?
That might answer one question
But what about the rest?
That didn't give him the right to do the rest...
No right to hurt me as he did...
Turn it around
Do I hurt anyone unfairly?
Yes...
Not to that degree
and not children
But yes...
Why do I feel as though there is something wrong with anyone who loves me
Do I feel as though I contaminate them too?
Or do I look for how they MUST be contaminated
Because if they weren't they wouldn’t care?
Dirty little girl!
I hear this repeatedly when I'm scared
Especially about social situations
Or matters of competence (mine)
Dirty little girl!
Is that part of why I'm fat
If I'm not little,
Then it somehow negates all of it?
Ick!
Now I'm tired
Exhausted
I feel as though I just fought a war
In a way I did
The war to understand
I think I just figured out another piece of the puzzle
I've learned something else
Another layer cleaned off
Of the filth of the past
... and I realize
I'm not contaminated
By what he did
There’s not anything inherently wrong with me
I simply believed a lie
Can I hold onto this thought and learn it
Through and through until it replaced old programming?
I don't know
but I know I have to try
CJH - 02/23/01
Carol Y. Huber copyright - 02/19/01
Carol Y. Huber describes herself as a "Wordsmith, Performance Poet, Recovering Survivor of Abuse, Once upon a time, I had the unofficial job title of 'Paradox Lady.' I liked it so well, I kept it. I'm somewhat known in Dallas Poetry Circles for both solo performance poetry, and as a member of "A Fine Piece of Mischief," an ensemble group of very fine female poets. My writings ask questions, pose challenges, and sometimes, offer answers. All answers are offered with this reminder: What works for me, may or may not work for anyone else. . . "